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Beware the Creeper!

Iain's life as a psychotic crimefighter

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Some Modest Proposals for Fixing the Oscars (and Hollywood, while we're at it.)

Let's face it, the Oscars were a disgrace this year, with only one highlight

(and Ben still didn't win an Oscar, so phhhthhht!!!! to you Academy)

It's one thing to snark back and forth on Twitter, it's quite another to come up with some constructive ideas as to how to improve the ceremony, and perhaps the reputation of Hollywood.

rdansky has already had an attempt at it, so I thought I'd give it a go too.

- The Red Carpet footage at the beginning is a waste of time, money and resources. We could cut down on 98% of commercial tv coverage, and all of the magazine coverage if we strictly enforced Sharia law during the entry to the Kodak Theatre, and required all female celebrities to wear burqas on entry. This has the additional advantage of confirming the Liberal Conspiracy's stranglehold on the media, which will in turn encourage all rightful US patriots to show up with their dress military hardware in order to express their second amendment rights. This will encourage the celebrities to make their way into the (heavily fortified) theatre at a brisk pace, before the water cannons (laced with LCD) are turned on the crazed mob. Another fortunate side effect is that the various celebrity reporters, fashion watchers and other parasites will be denied the safety of the Kodak Theatre as they do not have tickets. They will not be missed.

- The set will be constructed based on designs by Shaun Tan and Tim Burton by Disneyland imagineers and the guys who design the devices for the Saw franchise. There will be no immediately obvious access to the backstage area. Hint: don't follow the blood-stained drop cloths.

- Before the ceremony, Charlie Sheen will be fully sated (and perhaps fed) and kept in a cage dangled above the stage. As a warning to them all.

- The opening montage will be composed of material that was cut from the finished Best Film nominees and released to youtube by disgruntled technicians.

- The opening monologue will be performed by the comedian du jour wearing an explosive collar that will detonate if the laughter falls below 60 decibels. This should concentrate their mind wonderfully.

- Bruce Vilanch will be wearing a similar collar, connected wirelessly.

- In the likely event that the host is no longer available for the rest of the awards, they will be replaced by a constantly updated Twitter feed using the #oscars hashtag. A white list will be employed to ensure that tweets that use one or more of George Carlin's Seven Words That You Can Never Say on Television, are the only ones aired.

- All writing and technical categories (including the main Editing, Sound, Costume, Makeup and Cinematography) will be awarded at a separate venue. All their acceptance speeches will be televised in full and all nominees and winners will be granted their choice of actor/actress to MFK. This should result in some unusually high quality porn. There will be an open bar, and pinatas of the Best Director nominees available. The presenter of the technical awards must have at least two Oscars to their credit and a decent write-up in Sight and Sound. We don't want another Marisa Tomei incident on our hands.

- That goes for the animation categories and Best Short film categories as well. However the nominees get to run in full on a simultaneous non-geoblocked internet stream. So people can finally see them.

- Back at the Kodak Theatre, presenters will be encouraged to keep their introductions short and to the point as will the winners with their acceptance speeches. To enforce this the orchestra will be replaced by an iPod and a sniper.

- In the event of the sniper being lulled to sleep by an especially sonorous acceptance speech, the presenter will pass the statuette to Charlie Sheen, who will pleasure himself with it, before presenting it to the winner.

- In order to emphasis the musicianship, rather than the performance, all Best Original Songs will be performed live by Stephen Hawking.

- All Best Documentary nominees whose films are based around social issues, life under dictatorships and/or economic crises are allowed to subpoena any and all producers present at the ceremony to appear before a grand jury/congressional hearing. Even the Weinsteins. Especially the Weinsteins.

- All the Best Actor/Actress categories will be decided by a cage match - yes, in that very cage Charlie Sheen is already occupying. Maybe all the poor boy needs is an Oscar.

- The Best Film nominees will be compiled from a popular vote from every movie goer with a valid ticket that year. Including those in India and China. However the movie goer loses their vote the moment they ask for 3D glasses.

My modest changes should go some way to restoring both dignity, brevity and unpredictibility to the Oscars to once more make it the movie highlight of the year.

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Very nice. But I still don't think I'd watch them anyway. I'd be more likely too, though.

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